Last week, I wrote about the principle, masakatsu agatsu, true victory is victory over oneself. This week, I was reminded that sometimes, that means compromise.
While I generally get a lot out of the idea of masakatsu agatsu, I also think that the idea of victory itself creates a false dichotomy - where there is a victor, there is also a loser. However, we do not fight our partners in the dojo, so why do we fight ourselves? Of course, we challenge ourselves as we do our partners, but I think it is also important to remember that thinking of ourselves as the adversary is highly counterproductive.
This week, continued grad school frustration plus a traumatic, though helpful, visit to a career counselor spawned yet another breakdown about my future. I'm sure all of my grad school friends (and most other people in my age bracket!) can attest that this is something that just has to happen at least every couple of months. Unfortunately, this breakdown took the form of a three hour+ on-and-off crying jag, which led to a multi-day headache, and triggered my normally-cyclic depression to appear outside of its usual pattern and stay the week. Obviously, this did not lead to much productivity. Professionally, I noodled around with things all week, and often found myself caught by inertia and staring blankly at my computer. Headache and exhaustion led me to cut out of aikido a bit early on Tuesday, and not go Wednesday at all.
What was my automatic response? Masakatsu agatsu! I need to overcome myself! I need to force myself to go get things done and magically find energy for everything!
NO. This is not helpful. Anyone with a chronic disease can tell you, whether they suffer from depression, Lyme, arthritis, IBS, or even old age, there are days when you just can not do anything, and blaming yourself leads to only one result: feeling even worse about your inability.
This leads me to posit that masakatsu agatsu is truly asking instead that aikidoka seek to be their best selves, within every situation. I already discussed last week that this principle's orientation towards the self allows people of different abilities to all participate successfully through self-challenge. I would go further today and suggest that it allows every person to try to better themselves, within their current parameters. Rather than trying to force myself to do everything and only finding guilt, I needed to set realistic goals. Ok, maybe my morning exercise routine fell by the wayside, but at least I got to Test Prep Thursday night. I didn't get as much academic reading done as I wanted to, but I ran a good class when I had to teach, and I did get through a couple of useful texts.
In the dojo, this also holds true. Generally I'm flexible, but some days, my muscles are just tight. I don't expect myself to reach quite as far on those days - I just do my best to stretch with what my body gives me, and assume that I'll be back to normal soon if I keep doing my thing. This is accepted by most people who exercise, so why is it different outside of the gym? So, you forgot some techniques today. Just apply those you remember as perfectly as you can. So, your IBS is acting up - just stick to gentle foods, and try not to let it hurt your social life too much. So, your arthritis is worse today: allow yourself to do laundry (and therefore pick up heavy wet towels) a different day, and just do some computer work today.
Sometimes, victory over oneself means accepting terms of surrender, of blending with your internal and external situation. Mind over matter works... to a point, and forgiving yourself for that can often be the most productive means of moving forward. Moving forward is important, but sometimes you can leap, while other times you can only inch. Neither is a reason for self-recrimination. The principle of "victory" is a slippery one, and can mean something different to every person at every minute of the day. Forgive yourself when your parameters change. We're only human.
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