After all of this ended (with her suddenly packing up and leaving!), I found myself mentally unable to disengage. Over the next several hours, days, and even now, I've found myself replaying the scenario in my head. How many more productive things I could have said to make it a teaching moment! (How many more witty comebacks, though that is less productive...) Yes, I pointed out that the person she'd been peacefully working near all afternoon was in her demonized group, but other than probably making her feel like a jerk and hopefully spawning some self-study, I was not the best cultural ambassador. In my imagination, I've seen so many better scenarios where I engaged her in a Socratic dialogue and helped her to see the absurdity of her own prejudices and hatreds.
But this isn't productive.
Something I've tried to stress in my recent Aikido classes is not beating yourself up. Most students (myself included) find themselves at least once a class beating themselves up over a particular technique or throw. Teachers of any field have probably seen this happen: a sudden sign of disappointment like a head shake or "tsk" sound, mounting frustration, and then a complete inability to do better. That last part, at least in the dojo, is nearly always caused by that instant-repeat feature. The student gets so caught in what went wrong and how they could have done it better, they forget to focus on how to move forward, how they can do it better now.
It is a delicate balance, I think. Past mistakes must be learned from, and that often comes from analyzing reactions and considering how you can do better. But, when that reviewing gets in the way (whether of performing a technique again 30 seconds later, or of facing life with a quiet mind a day/week/month later), it becomes a liability.
Ironically, this happened to me the week before the Jewish High Holy Days began. Rosh Hashanah, which ended today, is the New Year, and Yom Kippur next week is the "Day of Repentance," when Jews evaluate their poor choices, cruel deeds, etc, and ask forgiveness. In the 10 days in between, human forgiveness for those things is supposed to be sought from peers before turning to a higher power for spiritual and unforgiven wrongs. To me, the holiday weeks highlight the importance of what I've been saying in this rather lengthy post. I always see the holiday season as helping with this type of purgation process. For me at least, it is always a time to forgive myself for things I've dwelt over for far too long. I tend to see myself as a "bad person" when I'm cranky at someone, or have a self-centered day. The days of repentance and self-searching help to remind me that I am just a ... person.
I think that is the idea I want to emphasize in this post. Whatever goes wrong, whether it is a poorly executed technique, or snapping at a loved one, or not handling a conflict with a stranger optimally, that is not a value judgment. In aikido, it means that we are all students, not that I am terrible at aikido or that you are hopelessly uncoordinated. In life, it means we are people - flawed people who have emotional human reactions, and can only hope that when facing that situation again, we act with more dignity and grace than before.
Wishing a good and sweet year to everyone, whether you count it from Monday or any other day!
